


Yellow

by the_genderman



Series: Panchromium [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Captain America: The First Avenger, F/M, Internal Monologue, Lots of Angst, M/M, Steve drinks an entire liquor cabinet, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 12:22:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13589973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_genderman/pseuds/the_genderman
Summary: Yellow. Honor and loyalty. Cowardice. Blond, gold, sunshine, and amber.





	Yellow

**Author's Note:**

> The Major Character Death warned for is not shown on screen, and is Bucky's canon "death."
> 
> Also, how do I tag relationships here? If you have suggestions or don't like how I've tagged it, let me know.
> 
> If you're wondering how this got written and posted so quickly after "Green," the answer is that it's an edit/re-write of an old Tumblr-fic from December 2016. I just took an old fic and made it slightly better by judicious pruning and little word tweaks and additions here and there."

It wasn’t your fault, there was nothing you could have done differently.

It wasn’t your fault, there was nothing you could have done.

It wasn’t your fault.

Your fault.

Your fault.

Your fault he’s dead.

You convinced him to stay. You chose him for this mission.

Your fault.

Your fault.

Steve added the empty bottle to the pile but the accusations sang out as loudly as before. He shifted more of the debris of the bombed out pub and found another couple undamaged bottles. He didn’t bother reading the labels. He wasn’t looking for a quality drinking experience. All he wanted right now was enough alcohol to let him forget, if just for a moment, but he wasn’t so sure that there was enough liquor in all of England, all of Europe, all of the world for that anymore. Nevertheless, he took his seat, cracked open another bottle, and let the amber liquid flow into his glass. He tossed off the shot and poured another.

Your fault.

Of course he could have done it differently. He could have reached him. He could have, he knew he could have. Heights had always been his weakness. Just focus on Bucky and don’t look down. He had looked down. He was scared. He froze, only for a fraction of a second, but it was too long. He had stopped just long enough that he lost his chance, lost the time to reach Bucky. If he hadn’t been scared, he could have reached him.

Your fault.

They didn’t look for Bucky. They didn’t even look for his body. Nothing to bury. Just a folded flag and a “We’re sorry for your loss” for his parents. Steve didn’t think he’d be able to face them again after this. Felt like they’d take one look at him and know: he didn’t do enough to try to save their son. Coward.

Your fault.

They’d be looking for him, though. He’d filed his report and left without saying where he was going. Would they list him as AWOL? (Captain America turned yellow.) How long would he have to be gone to be listed AWOL? Or would Captain America get preferential treatment? Captain America wasn’t just another soldier, he was America’s Golden Boy. Right now he just wanted to get blackout drunk. America’s Golden Boy wouldn’t get drunk. (Steve Rogers _couldn’t_ get drunk; there was a difference.) America’s Golden Boy didn’t let his best friend die on what should have been a relatively easy mission. He tossed back his shot, pouring another as soon as the glass touched the table again.

Your fault.

His best friend was dead and he was falling apart. Instead of calmly setting the now empty bottle down, he flung it at the bomb-blackened wall and watched it shatter. He opened the next bottle and poured another quick shot. He knew it would have the exact same effect as all the others– nothing, not even a buzz– but he kept drinking anyway. What else could he do?

Your fault.

He’d already cried himself out. He’d had to hide that. America’s Golden Boy might silently shed a few manly tears and then return to duty. America’s Golden Boy didn’t sob in a corner of a burned-out pub until his stomach hurt. America’s Golden Boy didn’t cry until he didn’t have any tears left. America’s Golden Boy didn’t fall in love with his best friend and then let him die. America’s Golden Boy was tarnished. He was plain old yellow.

Your fault.

Bucky was gone and he was sitting in the wreck of a pub drinking in a futile attempt to forget the world. Trying to forget what he had caused. Trying to forget how truly in love with Bucky he had finally realized he had been. Trying to forget the shame he felt for _wanting_ to choose between him and Peggy. He knew Peggy was his future, but he wanted Bucky, too. Trying to forget the guilt and the turmoil of realizing that he _did_ love them both. Trying to forget the sickening feeling that when Bucky fell from that train, he had taken half of Steve with him. But he supposed that’s what happened when you carried a torch for someone for too long; whether you acknowledged it or not ( _especially_ if you didn’t), eventually it burnt you up. Whether it was a slow burn or a sudden blaze, the end result was the same; he felt as charred and broken as the rubble around him.

Your fault.

Steve heard the crunch of footsteps behind him. So, they’d sent someone after him. Of course they had. He looked up to see Peggy picking her way through the debris towards where he sat. He took another drink. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to face her. Felt like she would be able to see through him, know that he wasn’t just mourning a friend. Not truly a lover, but also not just a friend. Steve tipped the bottle towards Peggy, hoping that she would focus on it and not his clearly tear-stained face.

Peggy paused and scrutinized Steve.

”It wasn’t your fault,” she said.

**Author's Note:**

> Fear not, the series will continue (eventually) in "Orange," when we pick up (some indeterminate time) after the events of Captain America: The Winter Soldier.


End file.
